Everyone feels like they’re alone and scared at some point in their life, I know, but I more than others. Most of the experiences I’ve faced were not problems that I instigated. No, I was the innocent victim in the blood splash zone of life as one traumatic memory or another butchered everything I held dear around me. Sometimes it was like someone I loved was tying me down to a straight jacket just to torture me mentally, physically, or worse than both of those– emotionally.
I’m no stranger to loneliness and fear. In fear there is caution and I use caution quite well. In loneliness there is solitude to be a philosopher and to think about life-changing decisions. I’ve learned, from those malicious memories, how to manipulate everything bad into something good, or at least into something that can make something else that’s good.
But now that the Big Bad Wolf gave up huffing and puffing and I’m finally free to explore my world (under my mother’s strict supervision, that is), I find that every day problems can be just as daunting as fires and the psychotic.
This problem I face now isn’t an every day thing, but it still happens more often than it should. I actually put myself in this position, though. It was my choice. My decision. That alone makes it all the more scary and thrilling.
What is this dilemma I stand against?
I prefer not to say. But my boyfriend, which may surprise you, is more upset than I am, and this problem is usually one most boys would hate, or, in this case, be relieved. Nope, not my man. He and I are androgynous, although he is seemingly more on the feminine side and I appear to be on the more masculine. My mental strength? It’s like dragon armor in Skyrim. Emotional strength? Eh, more like Elven armor, but that’s still pretty good. His mental strength? Less than mine. Emotional? Still less than mine.
I feel alone. I write about my problems because I have no one to talk to, releasing my anger without hurting or insulting anyone or anything.
I feel scared. I’m taking extra precaution from now on. Also, I will be telling Boo (that’s a family-given nickname, not a nickname I use because he’s my boyfriend/fiancé), how I’m feeling now that I’m a bit more calmed down.
This post? Vague; as it should be.
Juli Castillo 